I've already said too much.

Lifetime Movie Titles: Real or Fake?

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 11:39:47 -0500

I made a game for you and put it on The Hairpin.

Happy Valentine's Day

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 08:52:49 -0500

Today, let’s sing like no one’s listening, dance like no one’s watching, and love like we’ve never dated an actor-slash-musician.

Photo

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:29:00 -0500

Sorry, grocery store stranger.

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 13:24:00 -0500

Didn’t mean to get all existential on you yesterday when I mistook you for the manfriend and shimmied up to you in front of the balsamic vinaigrette and the blue cheese and asked—maybe with a tone—”what are we here for?” It’s just that we—me and manfriend, not me and you—needed horseradish, which is obviously not in the salad dressing section, and we had already discussed salad dressing and having enough of it in the fridge that we didn’t need to buy more. So I asked “what are we here for?” with familiarity and maybe slight annoyance—I couldn’t find the McCormick’s spices I wanted, remember? It had nothing to do with you—and I was so delighted when you looked at me and solemnly responded “I was wondering that myself.” It was perfect, and when we both realized I thought I was talking to someone else, I wanted to laugh about it together and have a grocery store moment, but down the aisle you went, so quickly that you forgot your ranch dressing.

This cat looks like a person. To me, it looks like a little old...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 17:15:48 -0500

This cat looks like a person. To me, it looks like a little old man who lost his dentures. My friend Olga thinks it looks like a worried Jewish mother.

What does it look like to you? It’s like a cat-person Rorschach test!

I'M NOT YELLING, YOU'RE YELLING.

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:49:52 -0500

“[Men] were asked to select, from the four recordings, the most “unattractive” voice—and yes, they picked the period voice 34 percent of the time.” - Some Men Know Menstrual Voices When They Hear Them

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PERIOD VOICE IS UNATTRACTIVE? IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY PERIOD VOICE MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO FIND SOMEONE WHO HAS A BETTER ONE OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO DIE ALONE. MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU.

I ran the numbers.

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 16:21:17 -0500

What People Mean When They Say “Let’s stay friends” to Someone They Just Broke Up With

71% Let’s continue having sex when it’s convenient for me.
29% Wow this silence is really awkward so I’ll just say the first dumb thing that comes into my head.

What People Mean When They Say “Sure! I would like that!” in Response:

29% Right now this seems feasible, assuming they just mean we should continue having sex when it’s convenient for me.
71% I hope you die by llama trampling.

And Now She's Dead to Me

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 11:00:05 -0500

This one time when I was complaining about the thing I always complain about, my friend gave me constructive criticism instead of telling me I’m brilliant and do everything right and perfectly.

Last week I told a joke during my gyno appointment and we laughed pretty hard. I’ve never...

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 10:51:54 -0500

Last week I told a joke during my gyno appointment and we laughed pretty hard. I’ve never shared a laugh with a stranger mid speculum exam, so it was pretty special.

That thing when you're getting a manicure and you start holding the manicurist's hand without realizing it.

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:11:32 -0500

I think cat people love cats more than dog people love dogs.

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:00:06 -0500

Here is why: because we are still functioning as a society, despite the fact that at any given time, in any given 10-block radius, there are probably dozens of adorable pups being walked. And yet we march on to work or home, with a quick pet here and and “aww” there.

Can you imagine if it became the norm to walk cats and cat people had to pass a dozen of them on the way to the subway? We wouldn’t make it a block without laying down on the pavement and making kissy noises at Mr. Whiskers Squishyface. We would walk around with tuna in our pockets, you guys.

"‎Stay safe and never forget."

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:34:50 -0500

A little heavy for an Amazon reseller email letting me know that my DKNY lip gloss shipped, but okay.

Let's all make a pact to never again blog or tweet about:

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:32:47 -0500

how many unread/unanswered emails we have

I haven’t written in a while, so here’s a picture....

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:30:00 -0500

I haven’t written in a while, so here’s a picture. The manfriend and I were in Arizona for Thanksgiving, and we spent a day in Sedona. That’s us at the Airport Vortex, one of Sedona’s four main energy vortexes. We hiked all the way up—my definition of hiking is just sweatier-than-normal walking—and stood by the twisty juniper trees. The energy at this particular vortex is supposed to strengthen your masculine side, which “they” define as being decisive and confident, and standing up to people, among other things. Today I sighed angrily at someone shoving on the subway, so I think it helped.

Phone calls from numbers I don't recognize make me want to die

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 16:40:00 -0500

Someone mis-typed their phone number in a Craigslist ad that lists a home up for timeshare, typing my phone number instead. I’ve been getting a ton of phone calls and messages about it, and I’ve emailed the email address on the ad to no avail. Should I:

a) Set my phone on fire.

b) Start answering the phone and asking for deposits on the house via wire transfer.

c) First (b), then (a)

I think that if I broke down my blog by subject, it would be mostly about: my PMS my humiliating...

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 13:08:08 -0500

I think that if I broke down my blog by subject, it would be mostly about:

my PMS
my humiliating dating experiences
things I hate and find amusing about the subway
my cat, including pictures of my cat doing cute stretchy things

I’m really glad I have the URL on my business cards.

When trying to decide whether or not you want to see a particular movie, try pretending that the commercial spot is actually describing your next OKCupid date.

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 16:01:00 -0400

“The last 15 minutes will mess you up for life.” - I can’t wait to see Paranormal 3!

I don't go out on Halloween because one time when I went trick-or-treating, someone gave me a real live goldfish in a plastic bag.

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 12:40:40 -0400

And I can’t really top that.

Dating Advice from My Brain Archives

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 13:46:20 -0400

Not shaving your legs on purpose works 9 out of 10 times. On the 10th time, you will find yourself drunk on plum wine in the bathroom of a cozy Japanese restaurant, sitting on a toilet with your pants around your ankles, and shaving your legs with hand soap and a razor from the deli around the corner. You will think it only took 5 minutes but it actually took 20. Your date thinks you have explosive diarrhea.

I'm reaching the point in my life where breakfast is a Bloody Mary and a Tums.

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 11:12:58 -0400

Also, I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of eccentric old woman I’m going to be when I’m old, and I think I’ve decided that I will be the eccentric old woman who wears leggings and cat sweaters every day and no bra. I’m pretty over bras, but only in my heart, and not in practice.