Lifetime Movie Titles: Real or Fake? -
I made a game for you and put it on The Hairpin.
Today, let’s sing like no one’s listening, dance like no one’s watching, and love like we’ve never dated an actor-slash-musician.
Didn’t mean to get all existential on you yesterday when I mistook you for the manfriend and shimmied up to you in front of the balsamic vinaigrette and the blue cheese and asked—maybe with a tone—”what are we here for?” It’s just that we—me and manfriend, not me and you—needed horseradish, which is obviously not in the salad dressing section, and we had already discussed salad dressing and having enough of it in the fridge that we didn’t need to buy more. So I asked “what are we here for?” with familiarity and maybe slight annoyance—I couldn’t find the McCormick’s spices I wanted, remember? It had nothing to do with you—and I was so delighted when you looked at me and solemnly responded “I was wondering that myself.” It was perfect, and when we both realized I thought I was talking to someone else, I wanted to laugh about it together and have a grocery store moment, but down the aisle you went, so quickly that you forgot your ranch dressing.
This cat looks like a person. To me, it looks like a little old man who lost his dentures. My friend Olga thinks it looks like a worried Jewish mother.
What does it look like to you? It’s like a cat-person Rorschach test!
“[Men] were asked to select, from the four recordings, the most “unattractive” voice—and yes, they picked the period voice 34 percent of the time.” - Some Men Know Menstrual Voices When They Hear Them
WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PERIOD VOICE IS UNATTRACTIVE? IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY PERIOD VOICE MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO FIND SOMEONE WHO HAS A BETTER ONE OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO DIE ALONE. MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU.
What People Mean When They Say “Let’s stay friends” to Someone They Just Broke Up With
71% Let’s continue having sex when it’s convenient for me.
29% Wow this silence is really awkward so I’ll just say the first dumb thing that comes into my head.
What People Mean When They Say “Sure! I would like that!” in Response:
29% Right now this seems feasible, assuming they just mean we should continue having sex when it’s convenient for me.
71% I hope you die by llama trampling.
This one time when I was complaining about the thing I always complain about, my friend gave me constructive criticism instead of telling me I’m brilliant and do everything right and perfectly.