February 2012
5 posts
Lifetime Movie Titles: Real or Fake? →
I made a game for you and put it on The Hairpin.
Happy Valentine's Day
Today, let’s sing like no one’s listening, dance like no one’s watching, and love like we’ve never dated an actor-slash-musician.
Sorry, grocery store stranger.
Didn’t mean to get all existential on you yesterday when I mistook you for the manfriend and shimmied up to you in front of the balsamic vinaigrette and the blue cheese and asked—maybe with a tone—”what are we here for?” It’s just that we—me and manfriend, not me and you—needed horseradish, which is obviously not in the salad dressing section, and we had already discussed...
January 2012
5 posts
I'M NOT YELLING, YOU'RE YELLING.
“[Men] were asked to select, from the four recordings, the most “unattractive” voice—and yes, they picked the period voice 34 percent of the time.” - Some Men Know Menstrual Voices When They Hear Them WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PERIOD VOICE IS UNATTRACTIVE? IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY PERIOD VOICE MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO FIND SOMEONE WHO HAS A BETTER ONE OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO DIE ALONE. MY MOTHER...
I ran the numbers.
What People Mean When They Say “Let’s stay friends” to Someone They Just Broke Up With 71% Let’s continue having sex when it’s convenient for me. 29% Wow this silence is really awkward so I’ll just say the first dumb thing that comes into my head. What People Mean When They Say “Sure! I would like that!” in Response: 29% Right now this seems...
And Now She's Dead to Me
This one time when I was complaining about the thing I always complain about, my friend gave me constructive criticism instead of telling me I’m brilliant and do everything right and perfectly.
Last week I told a joke during my gyno appointment and we laughed pretty hard. I’ve never shared a laugh with a stranger mid speculum exam, so it was pretty special.
That thing when you're getting a manicure and you...
December 2011
2 posts
I think cat people love cats more than dog people...
Here is why: because we are still functioning as a society, despite the fact that at any given time, in any given 10-block radius, there are probably dozens of adorable pups being walked. And yet we march on to work or home, with a quick pet here and and “aww” there.
Can you imagine if it became the norm to walk cats and cat people had to pass a dozen of them on the way to the subway?...
"Stay safe and never forget."
A little heavy for an Amazon reseller email letting me know that my DKNY lip gloss shipped, but okay.
November 2011
4 posts
Let's all make a pact to never again blog or tweet...
how many unread/unanswered emails we have
Phone calls from numbers I don't recognize make me...
Someone mis-typed their phone number in a Craigslist ad that lists a home up for timeshare, typing my phone number instead. I’ve been getting a ton of phone calls and messages about it, and I’ve emailed the email address on the ad to no avail. Should I:
a) Set my phone on fire.
b) Start answering the phone and asking for deposits on the house via wire transfer.
c) First (b), then...
I think that if I broke down my blog by subject, it would be mostly about:
my PMS
my humiliating dating experiences
things I hate and find amusing about the subway
my cat, including pictures of my cat doing cute stretchy things
I’m really glad I have the URL on my business cards.
October 2011
8 posts
When trying to decide whether or not you want to...
“The last 15 minutes will mess you up for life.” - I can’t wait to see Paranormal 3!
I don't go out on Halloween because one time when...
And I can’t really top that.
Dating Advice from My Brain Archives
Not shaving your legs on purpose works 9 out of 10 times. On the 10th time, you will find yourself drunk on plum wine in the bathroom of a cozy Japanese restaurant, sitting on a toilet with your pants around your ankles, and shaving your legs with hand soap and a razor from the deli around the corner. You will think it only took 5 minutes but it actually took 20. Your date thinks you have...
I'm reaching the point in my life where breakfast...
Also, I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of eccentric old woman I’m going to be when I’m old, and I think I’ve decided that I will be the eccentric old woman who wears leggings and cat sweaters every day and no bra. I’m pretty over bras, but only in my heart, and not in practice.
“Miss Vilibert, you have much to learn.. Contrary to what all the sexist female...”
– Got some great life advice from a commenter on a piece I wrote for HowAboutWe. My favorite part is that he capitalized “Penis”.
Ever since I made up a fictional cheese shop...
If you take my idea I will beat you to death with a ten-pound wheel of brie.
That moment when Taco Dinner becomes Taco...
September 2011
8 posts
You know a mental health day is in order when your...
Also, a ball of twine.
August 2011
7 posts
Things I've Done in the Past Hour to Prepare for...
1. Googled “cat life vest”
“Still, I can’t help but feel like he’s blowing me off. Like for...”
– YOU GUYS THIS IS AN ACTUAL SENTENCE FROM MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL DIARY
Trend Alert
I had this dream the other night that I was floating in a hot-air balloon to observe eagles because we were having a day of eagle-themed sales at Gilt Groupe and I had to write copy about how eagles were going to be fall’s hottest fashion trend.
After the hot-air balloon, the entire dream was just me sitting at a laptop writing “birds of a feather” puns and trying to write...
Growing Up
When I was 17 I dated a pathological liar who made up stories about getting hit by lightning (three times!) and suffering from a rare disorder as a result. I don’t remember the details but I think he said part of the blood running through his body was wolf blood, and that sentence took me a really long time to type because I’m laughing so hard. When I broke up with him he threatened...
July 2011
11 posts
Types of People on the Train That I Wonder About
People who use fabric book covers.
Priorities
“You just scoured the shelves to save 50 cents on toilet paper, and now you want to spend $10 on nail polish?” he asked. Yes, but I’ve been saving 50 cents on toilet paper my entire life, I reasoned. I’ve saved up to buy $10 nail polish.
It's my birthday today.
I woke up to a new gray hair, was called ma’am by a Crumbs barista who has never called me ma’am before, and now Tumblr isn’t working, probably because I’ve aged out of the blogging age bracket and into the embroidering doilies one.
You know you're tired when...
After a long day of apartment-hunting, I’m so tired and achey that I may actually use my Hitachi “massager” for its original G-rated purpose.
What Your Friends Say About Your Significant Other...
“Well, I’m just happy that you’re happy.” = “I want to set him on fire.”
“I’ve also been thinking about how the internet is this great enabler of...”
– Josh Duboff is a smartypants, if you didn’t know.
